The first time I remember being actually shocked and startled by a film character getting hit by a car on screen was at the beginning of Meet Joe Black. Observe:
Just… holy shit. That was awesome. And completely unexpected.
It’s a trope now, and honestly it may have been one before this movie came out, but this is the first time I remember seeing something like this in a movie, and it’s still the image that automatically plays in my head whenever I come across the expressions “it came out of nowhere” or “it hit me like a truck”.
Which is exactly what an overwhelming anxiety over my potential failure as a writer did to me on Tuesday night.
It was, like, BLAMMY!!! YOU SUCK AND EVERYTHING YOU’VE EVER WRITTEN SUCKS!!! NOBODY WANTS TO READ IT!!! YOU’RE KIDDING YOURSELF!!!
That was the silver Astro. Then the taxicab came along and was like WHAM!!! THIS IS THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE EVER KNOWN YOU WANTED TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE AND YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SETTING YOURSELF UP TO FAIL!!! AND ALSO NOBODY LIKES YOU AND YOU DON’T MAKE VERY GOOD COOKIES!!!
Right? My brain is a total dick to me sometimes.
So yesterday I tried to step away and do nothing related to writing or publishing at all. I didn’t log on to this website, I didn’t work on my next story or do any editing. But that didn’t shut up my brain. All day long it was tormenting me. I was browsing for some new books online and every time I read a description I thought, “That’s so much better than any of the drivel you’ve written! You don’t even know how to come up with ideas like that!” At one point I was internally comparing myself to the terrible contestants on American Idol, the ones who are delusional enough to think they have chops when really they’re just awful (is that still a thing? Is that show still a thing? I have no idea, I haven’t watched it in a decade). Maybe all the confidence I’ve felt in my ability to write up to now has just been completely unfounded.
Today I was determined to climb out of it, so I got online this morning and finished setting up the purchase links for “Grime”. Then I took to FB and Twitter and told all 8 people that follow me about it. It’s not much, but just forcing myself to publicly acknowledge it instead of quietly hoping everyone would forget about it and let me fade into obscurity was a big deal for me today.
I’m not asking anyone for a confidence boost. I don’t expect the comments field to fill up with praise. I don’t expect anyone to read this post at all, really. I think this is just part of the process, of putting myself out there and making an attempt.
This too shall pass.